


hear my voice

by lostin_space



Series: Malex Week 2020❤️️ [3]
Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Break Up, Happy Ending, M/M, Mutism, no alien stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:35:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25280224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostin_space/pseuds/lostin_space
Summary: Michael likes to party; Alex really hates that about him.
Relationships: Michael Guerin/Alex Manes
Series: Malex Week 2020❤️️ [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1828189
Comments: 43
Kudos: 118
Collections: Roswell New Mexico ▶ Michael Guerin / Alex Manes





	hear my voice

**Author's Note:**

> malex week day 3: "i can explain"
> 
> if i missed any tags, let me know

Michael liked coming home to Alex every day.

“I’m home!” he announced as he entered the apartment he shared with Isobel and Max. Michael knew that they weren’t home, but Alex  _ was _ and that was the important thing.

He headed towards the bedroom and found Alex all curled up with his phone in his hand and dressed in baggy clothes that made Michael’s heart swell. He was so goddamn gorgeous. Alex dropped his phone and lazily looked up at him, clearly tired from a long day of work and then therapy after work. Michael dropped his backpack and then just fell onto the bed, pulling Alex’s back to his chest and breathing in the everpresent smell of cookies that he wore now.

When they moved out to be closer to UNM, they both knew things would change. Alex worked for his aunt and technically lived with her (though he typically stayed with Michael) and he was able to start going to therapy. He was working on being comfortable with speaking and just being around people in general, but his therapist had told him he probably never would speak as much as the people around him if only because he’d had so many years of  _ not  _ doing it. It was a comfort zone that he would always resort to and there was nothing wrong with it as long as it wasn’t directly harming his quality of life. She did suggest he learn to sign at least a little to help him when he couldn’t and Michael had happily offered to learn with him. They were doing good.  _ He  _ was doing good.

On the other side of things, Michael was going to school and he’d made friends. They hung out a lot and they all had similar interests as him which was a lot of fun. He hadn’t noticed how much he liked having people to talk to that didn’t make him feel like a pretentious asshole for rambling about engineering. They introduced him to partying and, while it sucked that he saw Alex less, he always enjoyed himself. That was what college was about, right?

“How was therapy?” Michael asked. Alex shrugged dismissively. Overall, Alex had gotten comfortable enough to speak to Michael when he was feeling good, but, on days he had therapy, it threw all of his spoons in the trash. Michael didn’t mind as long as he was getting better.

Alex raised his hand to press beside his mouth and then moved it up to his cheek, signing his request for a kiss. Michael grinned and leaned over his shoulder to give him just that. Alex reached back to hold his head before deciding that wasn’t enough. He twisted his body to face him and eventually rolled on top of him to kiss him more. Michael smiled even wider.

His clothes were soft and his skin beneath was soft, body warm from being in bed for at least an hour. Working at a bakery meant Alex regularly woke up at four in the morning to go to work. He was always home by three, before Michael, and he smelled of baked goods and was eager for cuddles. It was the highlight of Michael’s day.

Alex broke the kiss to start pulling his sweater over his head, but Michael stopped him with a laugh and a hand on his stomach. He furrowed his eyebrows and tilted his head.

“I promised Jay I would go to his study group,” Michael said. A pout protruded on Alex’s face and Michael reached up to push his bottom lip back into place. “It’ll only be for a little while. I’ll be back before you know it.”

_ Stay,  _ Alex signed with both hands.

“Alex,” Michael sighed, rubbing his thumb into his thigh. Alex leaned forward for another kiss, but Michael turned his face just a little. “It’s for school.”

“Stay,” Alex whispered into his mouth. Michael melted a little and for a moment forgot what he was doing. He kissed him deeper and Alex pressed impossibly close. He did this every time and it always made Michael tempted to stay.

However, Michael was reminded why he was being told to stay in the first place when his phone went off with an alarm to remind him. He reluctantly pulled away from Alex to reach for it and Alex just clung to him which made it significantly harder to peel him off. He loved spending time with Alex, he did, but he also liked hanging out with his friends. He would have the whole night with Alex.

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom real quick before I go,” Michael said, pressing a kiss to his cheek as he climbed off the bed. 

He slipped his phone in his back pocket and headed for his bedroom door. He barely closed the door to the bathroom across the hall before his phone started going off. It didn’t surprise him one bit when he checked it.

_ Alex: You always go out. _

_ Alex: You’ve gone out every night this week except sunday. _

_ Alex: And you get drunk. _

_ Alex I don’t like when you get drunk. _

_ Alex: Please. _

Michael sighed, tilting his head back and counting to ten. He loved Alex more than anything, but there were a lot of irritating things that came along with being with someone who didn’t speak, especially in times of stress, and who was still learning to sign. All of their “arguments” had to be had over text and it rubbed Michael the wrong way every time.

He finished up in the bathroom before heading back to his bedroom to grab his bag. Alex was glaring at him the second he entered.

“Why do you have to act like it’s a crime that I have friends now? I still see you. We can’t be attached at the hip all the goddamn time,” he pointed out. Alex’s glare faded into concern and Michael sighed, kneeling on the bed and leaning down to kiss the crown of his head again. “I love you. I won’t drink. I’ll be home later.”

Perhaps he should’ve known he fucked up by the way Alex didn’t send him another message for the rest of the night.

-

“ _ Baby _ ."

Alex refused to fold as Michael called to him in a sing-song voice and crawled into bed. Alex tightened his grip on his blanket and scooted away despite Michael crawling closer. He reeked of alcohol so bad–but he always did these days.

"C'mere," Michael called, weaving his arm around him and trying to nudge his way beneath the blanket to find Alex's face, "Gimme a kiss."

Alex grunted his rejection and eventually Michael stopped, just laying heavily on him. Alex hated being mad at him, but he couldn’t help it. He  _ was  _ mad. Alex didn’t mind never being invited to parties or to hang out because he didn’t  _ want  _ to. But what he did want was his boyfriend back.

It seemed if he wasn’t at school, he was partying. By the time he actually did spend time with Alex, he was either drunk or exhausted. It made Alex question why he was even staying in his apartment anymore. What was the point Michael was never there? 

And what was the point if he said he wouldn’t drink and he lied?

“You’re mad at me,” Michael sighed, rubbing Alex’s back over the blanket, “Stop being mad at me.”

Alex didn’t respond, didn’t move. Michael groaned and sunk down further, his face against Alex’s shoulder. He could feel his hot breath through the blanket around him. He should’ve left before Michael got home.

“Alex,” Michael groaned, letting out a pathetic whine, “C’mon, I wish you would just fucking talk for once.”

His body went rigid at the words that came out of Michael’s mouth. He knew he didn’t really mean it like that, Michael was endlessly patient and understanding and he was just drunk, but Alex had never wanted to get away from him more. Anxiety twisted in his stomach and he became more sure than ever that he needed to get out.

Alex gently pushed Michael off him, throwing the blankets off as well. It was only when he started quickly grabbing his clothes for work in the morning that Michael realized he said something wrong. Alex sincerely hoped it was the alcohol that was making his reaction time so goddamn slow.

“Wait,” Michael said, sounding more sober than before as he scrambled off the bed, “Wait, Alex, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I can explain.”

Alex gave him the middle finger as the universal signal for fuck off as he reached for his phone.

“Alex, please,” he went on, “Look, just stay. I’ll sleep on the floor. It’s late. Stay.”

Alex opened the door of his bedroom and Michael followed, still not touching him. At least he could do one thing right.

“I didn’t mean it like that!” 

Alex left and did his best not feel guilty.

-

_ Michael: I’m sorry  _

_ Michael: please come back _

_ Michael: I don’t like you walking around outside at night its not safe please come back _

_ Michael: I love you _

_ Michael: I’m sorry I didn’t mean it I just hate that I never know why you get upset and then I can’t fix it _

_ Michael: you know I didn’t mean it _

_ Michael: can you please text back so I know you’re safe _

_ Liz: Alex is with me, don’t worry. _

-

“You know, I never expected to ever hear you two get in a fight.”

Michael groaned at Isobel’s words and let his head fall against the wall and then picked it up to let it fall a little harder. It was taking a lot of willpower not to get into his truck and drive the five minutes it took to get to Liz’s dorm, but he figured that could only make things worse. So, instead, he was hitting his head against the wall.

“I’m such a fucking dumbass,” Michael groaned, smashing his cheek into the wall and looking at her. She was dressed in a robe and was giving him a teasing smile. It was anything but funny. “He asked me to stay home for one night and I didn’t listen.”

“You’re allowed to go out and have friends, Michael,” she pointed out. Michael sighed, turning and putting his back to the wall. He slowly slid to the floor and Isobel huffed a laugh, sitting next to him. “You’re 18, you’re having fun. That’s what college is about. I love Alex, but he isn’t exactly the fun-having type, so I’m not surprised that it’s causing issues.”

“Well, yeah, but that’s not why he stormed off,” Michael said, wincing as he replayed his harsh tone, “I snapped at him for not talking.”

“Yikes.”

“Yeah,” he sighed, hitting his head against the wall again, “Don’t really know how to fix this.”

“Just give it some time,” Isobel insisted, “It’ll work out. You two are grossly in love.”

“I hope so.”

-

“Do I need to kill him for you? Because he promised me before you two started talking that he wouldn’t hurt you.”

“I’m fine,” Alex whispered, picking at a loose thread in the pillowcase from Liz’s bed. She thankfully didn’t have a roommate at her dorm. She emergency Skype’d Maria despite the fact that it was late and Alex didn’t feel like it was an emergency.

“You walked all the way here in the middle of the night, I wouldn’t call that fine,” Liz scoffed, “But, look, it’s normal for changing environments to cause struggles in a relationship. I bet this is just a little misunderstanding.” He shrugged a shoulder. 

His mind kept replaying Michael’s words over and over and over in his mind, taunting him and refusing to let it rest. Alex knew that Michael didn’t mean it and that he knew exactly what he was getting into when he started dating him. It’d been over six months and never once had Michael ever been anything less than supportive. But, still, Alex couldn’t help but consider that maybe the alcohol had him speaking his mind.  _ I wish you would just fucking talk.  _ It wasn’t all that different from what his dad said.

It was Alex’s fault though, wasn’t it? He was the one being pouty and stupid and stubborn. He should be happy with the attention Michael gave him. He  _ was  _ happy with it. He just wanted a little bit more. Was that wrong? Was he selfish? He felt selfish. 

“I think I need to break up with him,” Alex admitted quietly. Somehow, both girls still heard it.

“What?!”

“Why?!”

“Alex, it was just one fight.”

“ _ Barely  _ a fight.”

Alex breathed a heavy sigh, bringing his knees up to his chest and pressing the heels of his hands to his eyes. His brain was in overdrive and he felt sick to his stomach. Part of him wanted to scream, the other part wanted to bury himself until it went away. And, just like that, he felt too tired to speak, his brain shutting down that form of communication completely. God, he hated that. He thought he was doing better.

Liz nudged him gently and, when he looked up, she had his trusty white board in hand. She first bought it when they were in elementary school. Alex was isolated and in special education classes, but she was determined to talk to him. He loved her for it.

“It’s not just a fight,” Liz read to Maria as he scribbed his words in his messy cursive-print mix to get it out faster, “We’re going different ways and I’m holding him back.”

“Holding him back from what?” Maria scoffed, “Getting shitfaced every day until he flunks out of college?”

Alex rolled his eyes.

“He wants to have fun and I’m ruining it,” Liz read, quickly cutting herself off to say her own opinion on it, “He loves you, you know he has fun with you.”

_ I don’t know,  _ Alex signed.

“Yes, he does. You’ve just gotten out of the honeymoon phase so you’re not around each other all the time anymore,” Liz explained. 

“Seriously, that boy put in a ton of work just to make you give him the time of day. Just ask him not to go out so much,” Maria suggested. Alex shook his head.

They didn’t get it. As much as he loved Michael and wanted to be with him, he was beginning to think they didn’t fit well anymore. They wanted different things at this point in their life. Michael wanted to go out and enjoy the college-aged experience and Alex came with a fuck ton of baggage that made him want to keep Michael trapped in bed for extended periods of time while also needing alone time for extended periods of time. When he needed those things were unpredictable, it would be hard for Michael to plan to party accordingly. It was too much work. He didn’t want to stand in Michael’s way.

“He shouldn’t be drinking so much anyway. He’s clearly in the wrong,” Liz declared. Maria nodded enthusiastically in agreement. Alex smiled.

_ B-I-A-S,  _ he signed.

Alex’s phone lit up with texts from the man in question shortly after.

_ Michael: I’m glad you’re safe please stay that way _

_ Michael: I love you. Let me know when you’re not mad anymore so we can have a conversation because I promise I didn’t mean what I said _

_ Michael: Goodnight Alex dream good dreams _

Alex dropped his phone into his lap and tilted his head back. He just wanted to be back to normal. Back to texting all the time, back to making out in the back of his truck, back to not having to beg for him to be around. It was easy to think he was still the same guy whenever he was sweet and present, but it was impossible not to notice how many hours he chose to be gone.

_ Work at five,  _ Alex signed.

“Right, you have to be up at a ridiculous hour,” Liz said, sighing.

“Are you sure you’re going to be okay? Because you know I can be there in two hours to kick his ass,” Maria clarified.

Alex huffed a laugh and shook his head. They said their goodnights and I love yous before Liz shut her laptop and they laid down. Her bed was tiny, but they were used to squeezing all three of them in Liz’s full bed back home. It wasn’t that much of a change in proximity.

_ Thank you,  _ Alex signed in the dark. Liz still saw and she smiled.

“Always. You’re my best friend.”

Alex, surprisingly, managed to get some sleep.

-

_ 1:28 AM _

_ Michael: I can’t sleep and I’m thinking about you. I’m sorry if this is annoying but you’re the person I like talking to so you can ignore this or tell me to shut up if you’re still awake _

_ Michael: I discovered this movie called God’s Own Country and it’s these two guys who fall in love on a farm. It’s way more complex than that but I’m hungover without the sleep buffer _

_ Michael: anyway I just think we should run away and go have sex in a tiny little cabin while we’re farming sheep and hide away together _

_ Michael: but idk I think i would miss people _

_ 2:12 AM _

_ Michael: if you had 3 wishes, what would you wish for? _

_ Michael: Thinking about wishing for a horse _

_ Michael: we could gallop off into the sunset if you want _

_ Michael: or into the sunrise if the other is too cliche _

_ 2:52 AM _

_ Michael: i’m watching big eden _

_ Michael: he still reminds me of you. Quiet and smart and super fucking genuine _

_ Michael: I’m being an asshole by blowing up your phone i know i am  _

_ Michael: i have so many things i want to say but i don’t want to say them because i don’t want you to feel guilty for things that are my fault so i’m just saying random bullshit i’m sorry i’ll stop _

_ 3:40 AM _

_ Michael: You wake up soon, so I wanted to say I hope you have a good day at work. Sending good vibes and love your way ❤️ _

_ 4:02 AM _

_ Alex: three wishes: to know asl fluently, a bike, and for my anxiety to be thrown in the trash. _

_ Alex: have a good day at school  _

_ Michael: i can build you a bike _

_ Alex: we need to talk _

_ Michael: yeah we really do _

-

Alex carefully walked out of Liz’s dorm, cautious not to wake her up as he took the little white board with him. He would bring it back later and he knew she wouldn’t mind.

It was ridiculously early, but Michael’s truck was still sitting outside of the dorm building and waiting for him. Alex took a deep, steadying breath to build the courage for the conversation he’d been avoiding for weeks. This had to happen.

He climbed into the cab of the truck and Michael gave him a tired smile. He’d seen him just six hours prior, but it felt like a lifetime. Probably because Alex finally realized what needed to happen.

“Hey,” Michael said, “You wanna just park somewhere by your work?”

Alex nodded. Michael did so without hesitation, his left leg bouncing and his fingers tapping against the steering wheel. He was buzzing with so much nervous energy that Alex wondered if he knew what was coming.

Michael put the truck in park about a block away from his work, somewhere Alex could easily walk off if he needed to. He appreciated the sentiment.

“I’m sorry, Alex,” Michael said, “I know I’ve said it a million times, but I am. I was just frustrated that I didn’t understand why you were angry, that’s it. It had nothing to do with you not, like, verbally explaining. You know I don’t care about that. I love you regardless of if you ever speak again or not.”

Alex knew he was telling the truth. He knew Michael loved him and he knew he loved Michael, but what was love when it wasn’t fucking working? Michael wanted to have fun and be a college kid. Alex didn’t fit into that lifestyle.

_ I think we should take a break,  _ Alex wrote confidently before turning the board to face him. Michael’s eyes went wide and his face went pale, his eyes reading over his words over and over.

“No,” he said, shaking his head, “No, I don’t want to take a break. I don’t want that. I want  _ you _ . I-I’m sorry I fucked up. Just tell me what to change and I’ll do it. I’ll fix whatever, just tell me.”

Alex felt tears prick his eyes, but he forced himself to stay strong as he shook his head and wrote the support to his argument.

_ That’s the problem. I think we can’t be together without one of us being miserable. _

“You’re miserable with me?” Michael asked softly, face full of so much pain that it struck Alex hard and he shook his head. He wrote even faster.

_ No but i want to be around you more and that means you would have to change and i don’t want you to change for me _

“But I  _ will, _ ” Michael gushed, “I-I don’t understand where this is even coming from, I thought we were good.”

Alex stared at him with a sad little smile and shrugged. Him not seeing it coming was the problem. They were in different places. Alex needed more than he could give in their relationship and it wasn’t Michael’s job to spread himself that thin. It was Alex’s job to take responsibility for himself.

“Alex,” Michael said, a tear slipping from his cheek as his breathing got heavier. He turned slightly towards the steering wheel and raked his hands through his hair. Alex could see the gears turning in his head as he tried to piece things together. “Alex, it was one party.”

_ I can count the number of days you’ve come home sober in the last month on one hand and no matter how much I ask you not to, you do it anyway and that’s not good for me,  _ Alex wrote,  _ it’s not good for you either but I can’t tell you what to do. _

“So I’ll stop drinking! I’ll stop going out!” Michael insisted.

_ I want you to do what you want _

“I want  _ you!”  _ Michael said, voice cracking in the worst way, “Did I really fuck up so bad that you can’t see that?”

Alex didn’t know what to say as he sat there, trying to figure out what to say. He didn’t really know. He just wanted to cry with him and take it back so he would stop. And wouldn’t that be an embarrassing story to tell his therapist? He was doing better. He refused to go back.

They stayed in the car in silence. Alex let a few tears slip, but he wiped them away. Michael was struggling to breathe while he kept his face in his hands. There didn’t seem to be much else to say. He watched the clock, waiting for the time to come for when he had to go into work.

“Okay,” Michael sniffed, “Okay, we take a break. But it’s so I can prove that you’re more important to me than random fucking people or parties. I like it, yeah, but we can find a compromise. That’s what relationships are about, right? But if you need time away from me, I’ll give it to you because I love you.”

_ Sorry,  _ Alex signed. Michael shook his head.

“Don’t be. My fault. You have been asking me to spend time with you for weeks and I barely do. And sleeping in the same bed and texting during the day doesn’t count. I’m sorry,” Michael said. Alex almost smiled at the fact that he seemed to finally get it, but it didn’t mean it was fixed. It just meant it was getting there. “I love you. I’m just an idiot.”

_ I love you too,  _ Alex signed. Michael smiled tiredly and laid his head against the steering wheel.

“So, what does taking a break mean?” Michael asked, “‘Cause I don’t want to stop seeing or talking to you completely.”

Alex shook his head, going back to the board. He scribbled quickly, his eyes glancing to the clock a few times to make sure he wasn’t going to be late for work. He had about five minutes.

_ Let’s go back to hanging out but not spending the night? If that’s okay _

“Yeah, of course that’s okay,” Michael agreed, “And, uh, we can compromise like I talked about? Like, say, I go to parties twice a week. It gives you perfect time to be by yourself, I still get to go out, but there’s not too much of anything.”

_ Only if you want to _

Michael huffed a laugh, “Did you forget I spent months just trying to get your attention? I’m not going to just give up that easily. But your needs and boundaries are important to me. And I know you’re not saying I can’t ever go out, you’re just asking me to be a boyfriend. I’ve been shitty at that lately, so let’s go back a couple steps and try something different.”

Alex shrugged but he knew it was right. It seemed they would only get a few seconds when he came home from school, he’d leave, and then he’d come home wasted and just want a kiss before he passed out. It wasn’t fun. 

But trying something different could be.

“Okay,” Alex said softly. Michael’s face relaxed in that sweet smile of his. He looked so tired.

“Not gonna lie, though. I’m gonna miss coming home to you until we get back to that,” Michael admitted. Alex shrugged a shoulder.

“Desert date?” he asked, signing  _ after school?  _ directly after.

Michael breathed a sigh and closed his eyes softly, nodding his head. He looked like a weight had been lifted off his shoulder. It was a small little thing that told Alex he would actually try to make it work. They were going to make it work. They would survive it.

And, besides, Alex loved him.

"I would love that."

**Author's Note:**

> also on my tumblr: spaceskam


End file.
